The Cesspit. - Bloggie

Will write commentary about Warhammer Online

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 08:43:20 -0700

I got lucky today. Won a book and was invited to the beta of Warhammer Online. The latter isn't so much about being lucky as I expect they invited most of everyone now that they launch in one month.

I actually had no plans to participate into the beta or even play the game at release (or write comments about it), but some things changed and it's wise if I give a look in advance.

I didn't see anything first-hand for now, just noticed I have a key for the beta and launching the torrent on the other PC to download the client. Since the NDA will be released next week I'll do a write up as I expect to have something to say.

For once I'll try to not write 100 pages of text and summarize what's most relevant, both from the point of view of game design and the average player.

Firefox 3.0 later today

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 10:52:50 -0700

The new version of the browser is supposed to "launch" today, an hour ago to be precise. But currently mozilla.org, mozilla.com and the world record site are all down. And if you can manage to load the page, they are still not updated.

For those who have experience with launch day of mmorpgs, this is no surprise.

A moderator posted this on the forums:

As an IT Director I once reported to was known to put it, "You don't build the church for Easter Sunday." No amount of server hardware was going to be able to stand up to the zero hour onslaught and still be financially justifiable 12 hours later.

The Death of the New Gods

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 21:28:37 -0700

If you read comics maybe you know that the DC is doing another Crisis and that the deus ex machina this time will be Grant Morrison, with art done by one of the best DC has, J.G. Jones (who made also the 52 covers for "52").

The whole thing starts this 28 May, with an introduction that set the basis, written by Morrison and the Bendis of DC (Geoff Johns) that is out in a few days. I wonder if any of this will make into the story...

Since I never read a lot of DC I made a grand plan of following the whole story since the first Crisis. Then go through Identity Crisis, Infinite Crisis and finally to this Final Crisis, to be published soon. A whole lot of reading that I never did. I'm still stuck at about issue 10 or 11 of the original Crisis. Very fine story, though, that didn't feel stale at all.

Recently I stumbled into this one series "The Death of the New Gods", 8 issues all already out with story and art by Jim Starlin, who is part of the old guard and made a lot of those epic, cosmic crossovers for Marvel. I'm not entirely sure, but I suspect the plot of this series is also the premise of the Final Crisis. Something about the new-new gods and Darkseid.

What I didn't know is that this segment of the DC universe, known as the Fourth World, was built by The King, Jack Kirby. And in fact in that cover you can see his typical insane heroes. Squint enough and you can see one in the background flying on skis. When is the last time you saw a so large groups of ridiculous heroes? Well, I couldn't miss the opportunity.

In fact it is a wonderful series. Perfectly old-style but with a surprisingly good (and cosmic) story. There's all the naiveté of the Kirbian age, but the author doesn't take it too seriously and there are plenty of inside jokes about the cliches. The first issues are complex and confusing as they introduce so many heroes I've never seen and tie them back to years of continuity. But I love this old style stuff and the story is really intriguing, setting a number of mysteries that will keep you reading to discover them. Toward the end it loses a bit of quality as the story seems to slow down and you just get through a series of pompous fight scenes and info-dumps, but as a whole it's a really interesting read that makes you look at these classic style stories with nostalgia.

A better introduction is written by Dan DiDio himself. So read it if you are interested. And then read all the eight issues as the series is a little gem of perfectly preserved classic.

Donnie Darko explained

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:11:39 -0700

I'm a bit late watching this movie, but here it is (if you haven't watched this sci-fi movie you'll have no idea of what I'm talking about).

The movie can only be understood through the online material. Moreover:

Like life, and much of Wolfe's work, Donnie Darko can only be seen forward, but only understood looking backwards.

That said, the semi-official FAQ doesn't really explain everything, and about those parts who don't make sense they simply say: "this is open to interpretation". Nope. It's open to interpretation because you didn't get it. Heh.

The real explanation comes from here.

This is my own paraphrase. EVERYTHING makes sense, is consistent, explained and never forced. There isn't anything "open to interpretation".

First thing: the real theme of the movie is the demonstration of the existence of god. Which is the element that ties together all the plot threads.

Postulate: the space-time is an entity trying to preserve itself like all organisms. It happens that the system has a crisis, and the entity has means to counter and solve the crisis. The same way an human body develops antibodies and can heal wounds. Trying to preserve itself.

The space/time anomaly in the movie, generating the Tangent Timeline, is not caused by someone or the random actions of someone or weird super-powers. It is not due to something related to the characters in the movie. It is simply a natural phenomenon, like the fall of a meteorite. So the characters in the movies aren't "special" by any means. They are simply caught in the anomaly. This is important.

Now. The anomaly is a danger for the integrity of the space/time entity. In the same way it happens to a human body if it doesn't heal, if the anomaly persists for too long, the space/time sort of "collapses". So it needs to be solved within a set maximum time-frame.

The anomaly has also a geographical epicenter. All those who are caught near the anomaly become the "antibodies" of the system. This means that ALL characters in the movie are "zombies" piloted by a greater will (space/time). If you could "interview" antibodies they wouldn't say who they are, what is their function and so on. Because they operate unknowingly. They are simply manipulated. Unaware. They have illusion of life and conscience, but they can't choose or really live.

This creates two groups. From a side, everyone in the village, the manipulated, zombie ones. From the other, our hero, Donnie Darko.

There's one main difference. The manipulated ones have no real "conscience", as they are manipulated, and have no special powers. While Donnie Darko has special powers (that allow him to fix the time anomaly and "save the world") but also has the freedom of choice. This means that the manipulated ones, being just puppets, are lead by an all-knowing hand. So an hand who knows how to fix things. While Donnie Darko has conscience, but no knowledge.

So. Manipulated ones, who know how, but don't have the power to. And Donnie Darko, who has the power to, but doesn't know how.

The WHOLE movie is about (subject) the manipulated ones trying to induce Donnie Darko to do his task. A tutorial. They will try to make Donnie Darko do it. Force to do it. Induce.

Most of the plot in the movie is pure, awesome Deus ex machina revealed. Making all sort of things happen just to induce Darko to do something.

For example: why the old crazy woman goes every day to check her letter box? Common answer: because she knows something, so she goes to check if a letter about that something arrives.

Nope. That woman is a zombie like everyone else. She checks the letter box to induce another character to say "someone should write her", to then induce Donnie Darko to do it. This letter being sent would then, at the end of the movie, induce the old woman to find the letter, and start to read it in the middle of the road. Who consequently induces a car to arrive, dodge the woman in the middle of the road and kill Darko's own girl.

Why Darko's girl dies? To induce, once again, to make him do his task. Death and life of zombies doesn't matter. What matters is simply persuade Darko. Push him to "do the right thing". That is: using his powers to fix the anomaly and save the world (so preserving the time/space self-preserving entity).

This introduces the theme about god. Darko can see the future movement of people (the transparent tunnel coming out the chest). So he speaks with his teacher. Meaning: if I can see the future, then it means things are already determined before they happen. So this means that there is god, as someone who makes those choices and sets the plan. BUT. If, I, Donnie Darko can see where they will go, so having the power to *change* it, then who am I? What happens if I don't do what they tell me (save the world)?

Teacher reply: I cannot answer because... (stupid reason). Of course he cannot. This is a scene about Donnie Darko (god's tool) asking god (a manipulated one) what happens if he doesn't do what the god has asked him. Of course god can't answer. Taboo.

So, again, the movie is about Donnie Darko internal conflict: do I do it, or not? I fulfill my role or not?

In the scenes with the psychologist Darko says he:
1- Knows that there's time limit, so that things aren't going to last. Something is going to happen (end of the world).
2- He doesn't want to die alone.

He knows that when the time is come (the maximum time limit of the Tangent Universe), he will be alone. Him and his vision/tutorial (Frank/god). He will be alone because he knows that the he will have to do the choice alone. To do his task or not.

Added element. Everything that happens in the Tangent Universe isn't in any way "normal". It's simply the realization of Darko's own wishes. He finds a girl, fucks her, is handsome, is intelligent, has success with everyone, kicks various arses. He's basically badass all around.

NOT because Darko's really badass. But because that's his own wish. He got powers. He has the power to realize all he wants. So he actually LOVES this Tangent, unstable Universe. Because everything is great for him.

This also explains a part that is rarely understood. There's a point where Frank tells him (before he teaches him how to do his task, by opening a wormhole in the movie theatre):
Donnie: "Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?"
Frank: "Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"

Now, it makes sense asking someone *why* he's wearing a bunny suit. Because there's a choice, so a reason. While it doesn't make sense to ask someone *why* he wears a man suit. Because it's not a choice. You are born with it.

What Frank implies there is: nope, Donnie. You're not just a man. You're past that. You've got powers. You can be whatever you want. Why are you still sitting here, pretending to have a normal life (wearing a man suit)?

That's the transition. Frank is "teaching" Donnie who he really is (god's tool to do a task, with super-powers and all). In fact shortly after he teaches Donnie how to use his power to fix the anomaly.

Darko has the choice. To recognize god and complete the task. Or still cling to his pretty but ephemeral life. Denying god.

Why Donnie Darko dies by the end of the movie?

To begin with, he has the choice to live. He could complete the task and still live. The task doesn't require Darko's death. It only requires Darko to "give back" his pretty ideal life, as that Tangent Universe would be "sealed", solving the anomaly (god, aka the space/time entity, would cheer at this point).

So why he decides to die? It's quite simple. As written above, he's scared to die alone. He's scared to follow Frank/god's order and give up at least part of his life. But when he finally accepts the task, he also accepts the existence of god. He seconds the greater will, so he *affirms* it. By doing so he's not anymore alone.

He basically passed the test. Accepted god. Hence he transcends his own being. By doing what he does he didn't *have* to die. But he's so "past it" that his mortal body, girlfriend, family and EVERYTHING he cared about, are now pretty useless. He's beyond. He recognized god and doesn't need anymore a mortal life and body. Stopped to care about the ephemeral stuff of everyday's life.

OR. He's betrayed. Used as a tool, induced to believe he's transcended. Induced to kill himself after his task was complete. Either you believe in god, rewarding people who comply. Or you believe in the space/time entity who operates to simply preserve itself. Kinda selfishly. And once the tool is used, it is tossed away and killed. Making the tool believe that he's got a much better life.

Either you believe in god as a generous entity. Or you believe in god as a manipulative one. Caring for himself.

The movie obviously stops there. Doesn't show what happens if the anomaly wasn't fixed (it's just the space/time entity making believe people that things would be very wrong if the anomaly wasn't fixed. But maybe only selfishly). Doesn't show what happens to Darko's "life" past death.

Quite a wonderful movie-idea. One of the most ambitious ever.

Problem is, the movie doesn't provide the tools to understand itself. You have to read stuff online, read the "solution". I think it would have been much better if these arguments were also real themes *IN* the movie. Instead of outside of it.

Fantastic Four #554

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 14:32:21 -0800

I'll just say this, the story is already seen, but three pages and the sense of wonder that the series had lost for years is back.

Mark Millar is one of the best writers comics ever had, along with Morrison, Moore and Gaiman. Bendis is good as well, but these other writers have the talent of being able to write about EVERYTHING.

You bloggers, have failed

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:02:02 -0800

On other MMO blogs I read sometimes that there aren't anymore arguments to talk about, or discussions to have. If you feel so, it's because you failed.

I remember clearly why I started this blog. At that time it wasn't simple to voice opinions. The Waterthread community didn't have a good opinion of me and liked to ban me periodically and good discussions were going to be invariably lost just because they also periodically wiped the boards.

I started a blog because I wanted to voice my own opinions and build something on them. Not because I wanted to boost my ego, or because I thought my own opinions were indispensable for the world, but because what I wanted to say was different. In a similar way I was also looking for other voices out of the chorus. I started to read Lum when he was the voice out of the chorus. I continued following the community when he became the chorus. I continued looking for and reading those blogs with people who had something to say. I started my blog because I had something to say. A lot.

You may agree or not with what I wrote along the years, being interested or not, think it was utterly stupid or pointless. But it was different. I always looked for other points of view, then make my own opinions. There was this First Rule that made blogs interesting in their own way: THE HATE.

Today people will say that 'teh hate' is a thing of the past. The unconstructive hate. I always thought that the hate stood for something valuable: the critical point of view. *I* read blogs, Lum in the first place with his site and community, for a very simple reason. The voice out of the chorus was critical. It was subjective. But it was also honest and without filters. That was the point.

At the time mmorpgs were such a clusterfuck that you needed both consciousness of the thing, and find new solutions. Those "critical", "hateful" communities figured out things way before the market itself recognized and adapted. They were AHEAD of everything.

So I sneaked there because it was extremely interesting, stimulating. It was alive. There were things to figure out, to study, to find solutions for. It was a "field" that was growing, becoming more important. And it was necessary to learn from those communities.

When I stopped writing about MMOs it was not because I was bored or because I ran out of things to write. But because life pushed me in another direction when instead I wanted to invest MORE time in this thing. The more I wrote the more I had things to say. Different things to say. Relevant in my mind, so on a blog to be offered to whoever was interested.

And today I read of bored bloggers, or complaining that they ran out of interesting arguments. Why are you writing on blog? I always knew my answer.

Today we have an higher number of bloggers. This will always be a good thing. Many are gamer blogs specialized in one game, mostly a tale of experiences in the game more than game design ideas. This doesn't make them worse or better but from my point of view the today blogs are lacking what yesterday blogs had aplenty: the critical point of view. The desire to change. Make things better. Participate.

As with everything, the culture absorbs subversive attempts and makes them a popular trend shallow and alike. That's my view on the blogs of today: shallow and alike.

The origin of the DC Universe

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 02:50:35 -0700

(I'll trim the post later, now I'm tired)

I'm reading DC's classic "Crisis on Inifinite Earths" to be ready to tackle the more recent "Infinite Crisis" and I've noticed that the triggers of the "Crisis" itself are two different moments with a lot in common:

1- On planet Oa one of the most brilliant scientists decides to discover the origin of the world, in spite of legends that foretell destructions if this happens.

In Mark Waid words: "Ten billion years ago when Earth was little more than cooling gases, the inhabitants of Oa, at the center of the universe, were immortal and had the powers of the legendary gods. They always strove for continued advancement, but their science became perverted, for one of them, Krona, swore to discover the secret of the universe's creation. Others warned him away, vowing that legends told of destruction to come to any who plumbed the mysteries of Creation."

(From: Crisis on Infinite Earths #7, October 1985)

(click to continue reading)

Music Interlude

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 17:42:30 -0700

For me Gomez are better than The Beatles. No one nowadays has their versatility and absolutely fascinating swing. And Ben Ottewell has The Voice. God in music.

They now have a decent website and they released a while ago a 2 CDs compilation of B Sides and rarities that packs their VERY BEST stuff. I always said that their rare songs were their best.

It also has one pretty cover:

EDIT: Woot! The second CD starts with the acoustic version of "Rhythm and Blues Alibi". That's one hell of a song.
EDIT2: Okay, last edit. iTunes has an exclusive worldwide "Live Session EP" with six songs. Go there and shill $1 for "Whippin' Piccadilly", because that version is superlative. And if you like it get also "Get Miles", that's Ben Ottewel and this version is exceptional again. The guitar in the second half is amazing.

36 songs. If you have iTunes you can go a preview them to have a good taste of their versatility. Or download them from the internet, but just listen all of them in a way or another because they are wonderful. Tomorrow for the first time since years I'll drive to a CD shop and come out with 2 CDs. The other being Momo's about which I've talked a little bit a while ago.

Today she was again on TV, with one charming song. You can listen it through this site (La Madonna di Pompei), or directly from here.

Listen it till its very end, because it's there the best part. One little gem. With a vague Yann Tiersen reminescence in the music (the one from Amelie Poulain, I hope you know who she is).

Oh well

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 04:13:46 -0800

I knew I should have closed the site when I had decided to.

If this is another bluff then I'd be glad, but for sure it's not planned nor deliberate. So here I stop again. In the last couple of months I wrote less, but I gave up to the urge in many cases. This time I doubt I'll write, no matter how big the news or short the comment. We'll see. Maybe just another bluff.

I'm sorry for the few readers I have and even more sorry to see my own efforts come down to nothing.

Well, going back I'd still make the same choices. Please no comments, because after the third time they would be inappropriate.

/emo off

EDIT: So it looks like this isn't going to be a bluff (things are unsure even for me). I take the occasion of an e-mail to repeat in short the reasons of the "I quit", so they can stay up here.

--
I've written during the "original stop intention" (September 12) the reasons why I decided to stop.

It's not because I'm not having fun anymore writing, but because I want to do it even more. I want it to lead somewhere, to be fruitful. I want to continue to learn and dedicate myself to it. I want to be part of it.

So more than a desire to do something else, I have the desire to persist. The problem here is just in the unwanted conflict between what I'd like to do and what I have to do. My "real" life asks me to betray my desires, because they lead nowhere and are that kind of childish wishes that should die as soon as possible.

I am the dreamer, I'm the one who chases the impossible. That's why I lasted more and did much more than what was intended. But I'm also on a point where I don't seem to have that luxury of choice anymore. I'm not anymore a kid, need to find a job, find something to do that is in the realm of "realistic" and all that. Even if it doesn't correspond to what I want for myself.

I also don't accept compromises. I don't accept to write about games as an hobby. I don't accept to do it in my spare time. I won't let the site slowly decline because I have to do something else.

So. Or I continue (and this path seems closed now), or I betray myself.

That's all.

Catchy song

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 21:44:13 -0800

This is SO off-topic.

In the last week here in Italy we got "Sanremo", a yearly week-long popular music festival on TV. It's for us like a smaller-scale Super Bowl, fading a bit in popularity and relevance in the last few years.

Anyway, there's this song that was rejected from the official exhibition but that was presented in another context. And I love it :)

It's catchy, simple and there's a funny choreography to dance with it (that is half the fun) but that you cannot obviously see. Now it's getting popular on the internet and here it is:

Momo - Fondanela

Sing with me! :D

EDIT: Now on YouTube!

Age of Mythology

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 21:28:43 -0800

I'm currently reading all that Marvel and DC have published in the last few years. It is taking a while but I'm reading some excellent stuff. I'm not one of those nostalgic readers who say that nothing will ever be as good as what we had. The style surely changed, but this is definitely an excellent moment for comics. Great artists, great writers. Sometimes you have to wade through some crap, but overall I'm having fun as a kid.

Still today Marvel is definitely ahead and still "connects" and "marvels" a lot more than DC. DC is more detached and abstract, a bit more classic. While Marvel really connects with our world. Comics could never be more actual than today.

Marvel still lives on the original, simple principle: super heroes with super problems. This is a very basic and distinct difference. Marvel has always been about the man behind the mask, while DC has always been about the mask. A DC mask can be worn by different characters. The mask, as a concept, persists. It's abstract. While the "actor" can change. So DC is more about the essence of the mask, while Marvel has always been about the man, his problems, his life. Then sublimated to the level of the mask. The mask is only a modality.

This is why mutants became a predominant sub-universe. They connect to the readers and they connect to some essential symbols. If you are a comics reader you know how classic super-heroes like Captain America or the Fantastic Four are considered much differently from mutants. This may sound as an odd idea because both save the world, both have super-powers. So what's the difference? The difference is that mutants are a mutation of a DNA code, you born as a mutant, while other super-heroes acquire their powers. Spider-man was bitten by a radioactive spider for example, he isn't a mutant.

In the Marvel universe the difference goes beyond this superficial level. Classic heroes are celebrated. Mutants are FEARED. That's the point. But why? Mutants are popular because of what they represent. Because of their symbol. It's not a case that mutant powers manifest during adolescence. Adolescence is also the "commercial target" of comics and this is the first type of "connection". The adolescence is also a critical moment in the life of everyone.

But why the fear? Because mutant powers manifest abruptly. Sometimes they explode out of control and they can become disasters. There are victims. One of the most awesome cycles I'm reading is Buffy's Joss Whedon on Astonishing X-men. It's really a masterpiece. What could happen if we find a cure for mutants? That simple idea is piercing. It goes right to the heart. If being a mutant is seen as a disease then there may be a cure. But this isn't just a choice of the mutant. This is a choice of all the people. It's a way to defend themselves. To defend from the monsters.

Mutants have always been the representation of racism. Yes, you can learn from comics. But you don't read the superficial, apparent level. You learn what's below. The shades of grey. The real conflicts that aren't distinctly black or white. Comics go way past the appearance. What if we find the cure for gay and lesbians? Are these even diseases? Curses?

Mutants not only represent the "different". But they are a DANGEROUS, menacing different. And that mobilizes people a lot more effectively. You aren't left indifferent. The interesting point is that this overall theme is not anymore a mutant exclusive, but it's becoming a leading one throughout the whole Marvel universe. Civil War (the latest crossover). I just finished to read "Illuminati". It's another masterpiece. But on the exact same line is the Mark Millar cycle on Spider-man (the one with Venom's death, Osborne etc..).

Today, in our real world, the problem of "security" is the main one. How far you are willingly to go? How much freedom you are willingly to trade in the name of security? And who watches the Watchmen? We don't know exactly from what or who, we are scared by everything, even ourselves. So I'm reading comics, but on comics I'm reading the exact same thing that you find on newspapers every day. With the difference than in a comics it is purged of all the frills and presented in all its metaphorical essence. And this is strong, because we don't live a real life. As human beings we live of symbols.

Our world gives only importance to the conscious, the superficial level (tip of the iceberg) only because it's the only part that the society can "transform" to its use. That can be influenced, conformed. While the symbols are mysterious, uncontrollable, fervent. And in the same way in Bendis' "Illuminati" special, they recognize their role (in a very "meta" way):

The big themes of our world are fought by our heroes. They are metaphorical figures. They are both our conscience and our nightmares. Exactly as greek mythology was archetypal of that culture (and today geniuses like James Hillman study human psychology as a form of myth - archetypal psychology).

Reading comics today is like assisting a mass psychotherapy of an entire culture. And it's damn fun.

TMI Interlude

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 06:28:23 -0800

From a comment (referred to that bad idea):

I wonder if there is a connection between your obsession with two-handed swords, your inability to come up with a simple match making tool and the fact that you've never kissed a woman. ;)

Ah, well. I knew it was a bad idea revealing that. Uhm, no, there aren't any sexual parallels ;p Big swords and shiny armors have always been a myth for me since my youth. I liked very "high fantasy" settings more than realistic fantasy. The reason why I never kissed a girl is because there's a moment when things are supposed to "happen". Then the more time passes the more things become unlikely.

At some point I felt resigned to be destined to be "unhappy" about certain things. Like with girls or the desire to find my way into the gaming industry. My baby steps are inadequate and bring nowhere.

Today I COULDN'T CARE LESS about girls. They lost priority. I'm at a point where I HAVE TO find a path for myself, and while I can surely do without "love", I cannot do without "work" or at least that's what worries me today.

I knew I should have replaced that point with this one: "I actually don't like Start Trek or Lost as every other legitimate geek. Instead my favourite TV series are Dawson's Creek and Gilmore Girls (and another it's better I don't say)".

Is that any better? :)

Victim of a blog chain

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 17:36:19 -0800

Oh well.. Why me?

I guess the answer is a simple one as the blogosphere doesn't look big enough to resist even three of these loops. But the problem here is that I suck at being funny or have amusing things to say. Don't make me look even more ashamed than how I am. I suck.

Anyway. Let's see if I can think of something.

1- Uhm... I never read "Lord of the Rings" *ducks!* No, really. I actually love the book, but never read it. It's about the way my brain works and something I'm victim of that I was never been able to fully explain or justify: if I like something too much, I keep it "secret" to myself. Like waiting for the perfect moment that never arrives. I actually bought the book when I was ten or eleven. I was on vacation for the summer with my parents on the Alps, as every year (both summer -trekking- and winter -skiing-).

It was a rainy day so we went shopping instead of trekking and I discovered this huge book on a book stand. It was everything I could desire as I was already an avid reader and still looking for something as fascinating as Michael Ende's "Neverending Story" (my favorite book at that time and true personal myth). I couldn't buy the book but when I was back at home I convinced my parents to let me go back to the shop (that was in another town) even if it was already late and getting dark. I remember that I ran a lot and it even began to rain again. I was able to find the shop open and buy the book. While I was running back home I remember I was keeping the book below my sweater so that it wouldn't get wet. And it felt like a magic moment. I was feeling like I was holding the most precious thing ever. That evening I carefully set the book on a table and started reading... from the appendixes.

That's where I discovered that the book was only one part of an universe. The "world" was for me more fascinating than the story and the single characters. And I decided that before reading it I had to track all the other books and then read them in order. I didn't want to miss anything and I started a research that went on for a long time. Today I still haven't read the book from the beginning to end.

The truth is that when I love something too much, I wait "for it" forever. I don't want to read ten pages, because it means that I have ten less pages to read. Like if they are lost and without the possibility to go back. So I keep hoarding "precious stuff" to me but that I cannot really use because I don't want to lose it. It's stupid, of course, completely illogic, unjustified, but it's something I cannot really control. And it still happens today with other books, games, comics. I leave the best stuff last, and it often means that I never see that best stuff. I'm always waiting for the "perfect" moment while actually wasting it all.

So I never read LotR because I loved it too much and I could read it only when that loved faded, so that it became actually a "mortal" possibility. There are things I simply love too much to use them. If I don't use them they remain in the realm of perfection and I can venerate them properly. I venerated LotR for a long time, like an idol. But I didn't read it.

2- I'm a bit hypochondriac. Not the kind that invents problems. But the kind that gets worried and anxious about just everything. I transform little problems into big dramas, but not because I like dramas, just because I get really worried. The kind of: OMG! THE END!

Of course that kind of reaction doesn't really help.

3- I don't know how it translates to the USA school system, but something like college graduation. We have to go through some tests and a final exam. The most important of these tests is about a writing essay. Well, I went school drunk and after having slept two hours. I started to write and chased the flow. I never had problems writing, but that was a moment of my life that I was particularly inspired. I got the max possible in that test but the final exam didn't end exactly well as the president of the commission finished to yell at me and generate another drama scene.

But I was above all that. It was the best period of my life. I was... free. I was inspired. I had the right answers for EVERYTHING. I had learnt to see things from the other perspective, break the rules, find my way. Reclaim an identity, thoughts and all that. I could do just everything, I had all the power of this world. I had everything in my hands and I wish I could go back. Because today I feel lost, powerless and have no answers.

4- I scared a teacher when I was in college because I used to play with the "Necronomicon" and other, more serious, magic books. Writing symbols on stones, amulets and all that. I didn't do that seriously but I really had lot of absurd books that I was able to track. For me it was something to play not more serious than reading horoscopes on a magazine, but I like digging stuff, finding old books, follow references, authors and whatnot. I also played a lot with yoga and all sort of other fancy things. But I'm also a very rational person so I never believed in anything.

5- I.. Doh! Never kissed a woman! OMG! But proud of it! I actually started to have interest in girls extremely early. I was around girls when most boys only cared about trucks and monsters. Every moment of my life is accompanied by a woman, just without her being aware, or without being really involved. I'm a case limit.

Ok, now who's left? Foton, J. (who I doubt will ever know about this), Darniaq (who stopped writing there and I'm going to join him very soon), Krones (who was briefly resurrected) and, just for the sake of it, Anyuzer, because I miss him.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 16:52:25 -0800

Being sick.

I forgot Zonk

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:19:06 -0800

Maybe you noticed that I blacked out the site yesterday, and it was going to be a definitive thing.

In the last few weeks I've written occasionally, then pulled those posts, back and forth... It's not like I was trying to reply Lum's drama with SND entirely on my own, or that I went crazy (well, a little bit), or that I'm a bluff (I hate you). It's only that some things popped up along the way, I got some (very weak, but still very important for me) hopes up. I was oscillating between "can I continue then?" "Is it over?" then those hopes were crushed and it was again game over. I've given all I had to give. Goodbye.

Then Zonk wakes up today and reminds me that we still had to finish something. A little thing that I want to complete. I didn't remember that and I thought that he just didn't want to continue as he didn't write me for more than a week. Like "Omg, this is an idiot. Lets ignore him and hope he goes away!" I thought we were done for good even in that case.

Instead he wakes up today.

So here we are again, He is a reason good enough as another to keep things up for a few more weeks. There isn't any other goal or purpose or whatever. So, why not?

Since I'm also tired and annoyed by all this back and forth I MAY start to write again. For a month (2007 - it ends). As I did before the 12 September. Maybe.